Divorce

The Power of Forgiveness in Divorce

The power of forgiveness is of immense importance to working with the feelings and difficulties we share in relationship transitions, but it is frequently ignored. In many cases true wrongs were committed and real injuries were inflicted. Forgiveness doesn't deny that, it just offers a perspective and freedom from the cycle of rage and reactivity.

In 2000, I met Stu Webb at a meeting of the International Alliance of Holistic Lawyers (IAHL). There, I found out that he and a small group of lawyers in Minneapolis came up with a brilliant idea. In the divorce context, rather than fight, get the clients and the other lawyer to focus on settlement. Get that agreement up front and tell the clients if they don’t settle, they need to get different lawyers to litigate the case.

As soon as I heard about it, it made sense to me. My marriage at the time was a bit shaky so I asked Stu for his phone number.

[Client - Attorney Q and A]

A. This may be your first, second, or even third divorce. I've had my own obligatory divorce, but I've also had 500 (whose counting?) other folks' divorces as well. Patterns repeat since the experience of divorce is essentially the same. I say with confidence that I know what you're feeling, thinking, how you are likely reacting, and where things are probably heading. I have watched lots of needless suffering.

All suffering is mind-induced. Suffering simply doesn't exist in the 'real' world. I understand this may sound like zen-speak or 'mindful platitudes,' but Reality is never what we expect. It is impossible for anyone to give Truth - or hold it back for that matter, and so it doesn't matter if what I say means to you what it means to me: We must all experience what we discover for ourselves in order to know it.

I can give some pointers in hopes they trigger some resonance and interest, so that you might explore beyond what is familiar for you. My purpose includes being a force for positive change, and while I don't know why the universe would choose me to become a mindful divorce lawyer, 'all that is' has an exquisite sense of humor and irony.

Mindfulness is the key to freeing yourself from the tyranny of resentment. The tyranny of mind is what creates and destroys relationship. If you want to survive your divorce or other family/relationship dispute, mindfulness may be useful to you. Divorce, a kind of dying, is an invitation to awaken and surrender.

Editor's note: This article by Ada Gonzalez explores the emotional issues of divorce. Designed for clients, it may also be helpful to those who work with them.

Separation and divorce are among the most painful and disruptive events that an individual and family can experience. The emotions that divorce induce clash with emotions you have felt in the past, and with the core of who you are. After all, many times your marriage is a big part of your identity.